For year’s I have suffered from an addiction. An addiction that has broken my heart, has invaded my thoughts, has drowned me from moments that should have been filled with joy. One that only my husband knows about. Hatred of my self image has stripped me from any confidence I once had. This addiction has made me fear walking into a gym, the very place where you are supposed to get better-worrying about what others might think. I’ve avoided scales for two years. I’ve denied my husband to see me without clothes on in fear of his disapproval and disgust. Every morning my first glance in the mirror has reflected a body that I have never approved of. I know I am not the only one and I hate that the devil works on our vulnerable hearts this way-whispering that we will never be skinny enough, beautiful enough, good enough, enough.

This fear, this addiction, this enemy denying me of pushing myself has changed me. I am tired all of the time. I have no energy. My relationship with God has been on the rocks. It has altered my marriage in ways that never should have been-it’s told me that my husband thinks of me differently because of my weight when I know he loves me with his whole heart. That my child will soon turn out just like me. Fear, dread, guilt, hatred, sadness. I hate those words. They are so overwhelming and for years I have seen health and fitness all wrong.

This post is hard yet so easy to write. Spilling my addiction of hatred over my body and fears for the world to read-becoming so transparent and easier to judge is terrifying for me, however, someone I know may need this just as much as I do. 

As everything else in this world, nothing is ours. Not even our bodies. I read a blog post once about a young woman who was going through a similar situation. As she talked about our bodies being temples for the Lord, it all clicked. This body is not mine-it’s God’s. He made me in his image and I am beautiful just the way he made me. However, I need to take care of me so HE can work through me. These few verses below have inspired me so much:

If I don’t start to mend my relationship with God, denying the enemy power over me, setting an example for my daughter, letting my husband love me for me, and restoring and strengthening my body to what should be, when will I? When will I start trusting the Lord to help me overcome this addiction of self image hatred? When will I start letting him work through me? When will I break the chains that the Devil has put on me? I’ve always thought that to be a christian leader, you had to have a crazy life altering testimony to minister to others. What God has shown me is that if I persevere and am obedient to Him, he will do his works through me. I have to let him lead. This change that is about to take place cannot be done alone. It is so much more than weight loss and confidence. It’s our relationship. It’s letting him love me and letting him in. It’s feeling joy and being happy again. It’s about serving. It’s about spreading his love to others through change in me. It’s amazing how on an ordinary day, God moves us and challenges us to do things out of our comfort zone to make room for growth in our faith. I love that. And it scares me. 🙂

I know the days, weeks, and months to come will not be easy. I know I will want to give up. I know I will try to go back to my old ways, letting those destructive thoughts creep back into my soul. But I know if I push through, the reward will be so much greater. It could mold my testimony and start making me into who He NEEDS me to be for his glory. 

I know this is a lot, especially for this little blog, but could you pray for me? For diligence and obedience. For grace and self-love. I hope that all of this will stop with me. That I can lead and set an example for Paisley so she will never feel this way. That our family will start living a healthier lifestyle for the Lord. That we will shine his light and honor our bodies. 

June 25, 2014-it’s over. I am breaking free from the Devil’s grip and clinging to my savior. I encourage you all to start with me. 

I am a note card queen and no, these aren’t just for studying. 😉

I love little reminders that pop up when we need them. I spent the last hour making motivational note cards and bible verses to put in different places-my bathroom mirror, my dresser drawer, purse, car, makeup bag. Hoping they can add to the accountability I need to push through. Some are verses and others I found on Pinterest. 

I hope this can be of encouragement to at least one person. If so, this was all worth it. I am excited and afraid but also ready to push myself more than ever.

Are you with me?