For year’s I have suffered from an addiction. An addiction that has broken my heart, has invaded my thoughts, has drowned me from moments that should have been filled with joy. One that only my husband knows about. Hatred of my self image has stripped me from any confidence I once had. This addiction has made me fear walking into a gym, the very place where you are supposed to get better-worrying about what others might think. I’ve avoided scales for two years. I’ve denied my husband to see me without clothes on in fear of his disapproval and disgust. Every morning my first glance in the mirror has reflected a body that I have never approved of. I know I am not the only one and I hate that the devil works on our vulnerable hearts this way-whispering that we will never be skinny enough, beautiful enough, good enough, enough.
This fear, this addiction, this enemy denying me of pushing myself has changed me. I am tired all of the time. I have no energy. My relationship with God has been on the rocks. It has altered my marriage in ways that never should have been-it’s told me that my husband thinks of me differently because of my weight when I know he loves me with his whole heart. That my child will soon turn out just like me. Fear, dread, guilt, hatred, sadness. I hate those words. They are so overwhelming and for years I have seen health and fitness all wrong.
This post is hard yet so easy to write. Spilling my addiction of hatred over my body and fears for the world to read-becoming so transparent and easier to judge is terrifying for me, however, someone I know may need this just as much as I do.
As everything else in this world, nothing is ours. Not even our bodies. I read a blog post once about a young woman who was going through a similar situation. As she talked about our bodies being temples for the Lord, it all clicked. This body is not mine-it’s God’s. He made me in his image and I am beautiful just the way he made me. However, I need to take care of me so HE can work through me. These few verses below have inspired me so much:
“Because we have these promises, dear friends, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that can defile our body or spirit. And let us work towards complete holiness because we fear God.” -2 Corinthians 7:1
“Stand firm and you will win life.” -Luke 21:19
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
-Deuteronomy 31:6
“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial, because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”
-James 1:12
If I don’t start to mend my relationship with God, denying the enemy power over me, setting an example for my daughter, letting my husband love me for me, and restoring and strengthening my body to what should be, when will I? When will I start trusting the Lord to help me overcome this addiction of self image hatred? When will I start letting him work through me? When will I break the chains that the Devil has put on me? I’ve always thought that to be a christian leader, you had to have a crazy life altering testimony to minister to others. What God has shown me is that if I persevere and am obedient to Him, he will do his works through me. I have to let him lead. This change that is about to take place cannot be done alone. It is so much more than weight loss and confidence. It’s our relationship. It’s letting him love me and letting him in. It’s feeling joy and being happy again. It’s about serving. It’s about spreading his love to others through change in me. It’s amazing how on an ordinary day, God moves us and challenges us to do things out of our comfort zone to make room for growth in our faith. I love that. And it scares me. :)
I know the days, weeks, and months to come will not be easy. I know I will want to give up. I know I will try to go back to my old ways, letting those destructive thoughts creep back into my soul. But I know if I push through, the reward will be so much greater. It could mold my testimony and start making me into who He NEEDS me to be for his glory.
I know this is a lot, especially for this little blog, but could you pray for me? For diligence and obedience. For grace and self-love. I hope that all of this will stop with me. That I can lead and set an example for Paisley so she will never feel this way. That our family will start living a healthier lifestyle for the Lord. That we will shine his light and honor our bodies.
June 25, 2014-it’s over. I am breaking free from the Devil’s grip and clinging to my savior. I encourage you all to start with me.
I am a note card queen and no, these aren’t just for studying. ;)
I love little reminders that pop up when we need them. I spent the last hour making motivational note cards and bible verses to put in different places-my bathroom mirror, my dresser drawer, purse, car, makeup bag. Hoping they can add to the accountability I need to push through. Some are verses and others I found on Pinterest.
This lifestyle change isn’t to become a “gym rat” or never having a brownie again. It’s choosing to make changes for our health so that we are well enough to go out and serve for the Lord physically and spiritually. Maybe the change in me can spark a change in others. This is about being happy with who I am because I know I am healthy and strong.
I want to love my body again.
I hope this can be of encouragement to at least one person. If so, this was all worth it. I am excited and afraid but also ready to push myself more than ever.
Are you with me?
“I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14
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Girl!! This just beautiful and SOOO encouraging! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your heart and being vulnerable! You are such a beautiful woman and I am SO thankful to have “met” you through our blogs!! This hit HOME to me today! I often struggle with hating my body and I also have fallen into things like not letting my husband look at me naked and hating the reflection in the mirror. Why does this consume our lives? I am with you on this challenge love! Can’t wait to see how God uses the next 21 days! So proud of you Kenz!! Thanks again for sharing! I will be praying for you!
Thank you for this post! It is amazing how much I could relate to it and how much I needed to hear it. I will be happy to say a little prayer for you and wish you the best on your journey!! You are not alone in this!
You are amazing! What a huge thing it was to share this with everyone on your blog! I will definitely be praying for you!!
http://www.lincsmomma.blogspot.com
What a powerful post that so many can relate to! Your heart is focused and your head will soon follow. So proud that you’re overcoming the devils false claims on your heart!
Thank you for sharing your heart with us today, Kenzie. I will be praying for you throughout your journey.
I, too, deal with some self conscious issues. I was reading something a while back {forgive me, I don’t remember where} about how when you make a negative comment about yourself in front of your husband, not only are you hurting yourself, but also your husband. He’s the one that loves you for you. You’re saying something negative about the person that he loves & who he thinks is the most beautiful person in the world. After reading it, it clicked. I was stunned, as I have never thought about it that way before. I shared that with Luke & he absolutely agreed. There have been times since I read that, that I’ve made negative comments & Luke has said something to me, but I try so very hard not too. I’m hoping this makes sense.
You got this girl. You can do hard things. xo
Thanks for being brave enough to share this! I struggle with a bit of this myself and have been busy enough to skip workouts for so long (read: like 1.5 years!) that I’m now to the point where I just don’t feel good about myself like I used to. Somedays it even makes me grumpy and moody…not someone I want to be! I’m constantly struggling to find the right balance of getting done what I need to, a bit of what I want to, spending quality time with Sadie and getting enough rest. I’ve been killing myself with lack of sleep for way too long…and it has contributed to my putting on a few exta pounds too! We make time for what’s important, so I have to stop “wishing” I had more hours in the day and instead make taking care of myself/body a priority. We can do it, mama! Xoxo
this is beautiful. you’re beautiful.
i think i feel the exact same way and i loved reading this to help me open my eyes.
i just started T25 with beachbody and just decided to take the plunge into coaching so i really hope that i can keep transforming my body, my heart and my soul.
bless your beautiful heart mama.
Unfortunately I can relate to this. I was in a bad relationship with a guy whose family demanded perfection and let to treating my body terrible in order to look “perfect” – it took time getting over and it wasn’t always easy, but having a supportive husband in my life helped a ton. The best medicine for it all was The Word though. You can do this! I’ll be specifically praying for you my friend!
Love you for posting this! I relate to this post so much. I think for many women, myself included, loving our bodies is one of the hardest things to do. Lean into the Lord and His Word on this journey! I pray that one day you will see yourself as beautiful as He does and we do!
I appreciate your honest, pure post. You are brave for admitting it and a leader for women out there. We all can relate in some aspect. You are beautiful. I write positive affirmations and verses just like you do on note cards. Keep fighting the good fight!
Great post! I believe each and every one of us can relate to you with this! You are beautiful!!
Good for you girl!!! It’s so encouraging to read here and then in the comments that body image issues is something we women all struggle with. But you are so right- when we teach ourselves to take the view off of ourselves and “I’m so chubby/ugly/fat/pimply/etc” and place our focus on, “I am God’s. MY body is His. HE made me this way! I was knitted together by HIM in my mother’s womb. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am HIS masterpiece. My body, however it looks, is His temple- so glorify Him with it, not bash it.” It really helps. Gooooo Kenzie!
This post is so, so good. Thank you for talking about a topic so many women struggle with! I have been plus-size my entire life + all too often I let negativity fill my thoughts about myself. I’ve even caught myself comparing my body / photographs to other bloggers while I’m reading around. It can infiltrate every available thought, but it also CAN be conquered! You got this, you’re going to do a great job. I wish I had found your blog sooner… I can relate so much to what’s in your heart!
Kenzie, I have been following your blog for just a little while and wow, this post is so awesome. Congratulations to you for putting it all out there. I can imagine how hard that must have felt for you. Keep up the attitude and lean on Him.
Blessings
Trine
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Thank you so much, Trine!
Yes it can! Thank you so much for the encouragement!
XOXO
Thank you, Jessi!
Thank you so so much, sweet friend! I am so thankful to have you as a dear friend.
XO
I am so glad I was able to reach you through this post! Thank you so much for the sweet words.
XO
Thank you so much, Carrington!
Thank you for the encouragement, Casey!
XOXO
That is awesome! Thank you so much for your encouragement !
I am so thankful that I am able to reach so many women through this post. Why do we let the devil seep into our minds and hearts? Letting him destroy our confidence. Thank you so much for your sweet words, Taylor! :)
Thank you, Whitney!
XO
Thank you, sweet Sarah! Good luck with Beachbody! That is an awesome workout and health program. :)
Yes we can! Thank you for sharing those sweet words and being such a dear friend to me over the past several months!
XOXO
I love that perspective! So much truth. Thank you for the sweet encouragement dear Friend!
XOXO
Preach! You are so right! Thank you for the awesome encouragement! You are such a beautiful friend to me.
XOXO